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| This week I faced some un-pleasantry in an online forum. I've had previous strives with this belligerent, bigoted character who kept defending himself by mudslinging and delivering low blows.
Here's where he's mistaken. I may have been in the directline, but I was not the opposing side.
He committed a number of faux pas. I also could have done further damage control.
Here's what I've learned through this exchange. I'm recording my thoughts on this as a reflection for the event a similar situation happens again.
1. Age and respect is not positively correlated. Everyone is entitled to a level of respect, beyond that it is earned. Don't assume because you're older I should respect you. Age doesn't mean you're wiser when you're an ass-hat. I was taught well by my family and peers and experiences how I should treat people. I don't take on kindly when that is disregarded and discredited.
2. Listen to the other side. It is good to have a position, and understand that there can be more than one outlook on things. Very few times, there's only one right.
3. Don't keep attacking and harass others. Don't make baseless claims especially when you don't know the person personally. Know when to stop and apologize if you wronged neutral conflict mediators.
4. An apology doesn't imply weakness.
5. Don't accuse someone of pulling the feminist card. Conflict sees no gender.
6. Differentiate the differences in the following pairs: Jealousy vs. Envy, Sympathy vs. Empathy, Aggression and Assertion.
7. Hold yourself accountable for all exchanges. If you choose to use big intimidating words, look them up. That's the quickest way to look stupid if you're unintelligible and incorrect.
8. Make better use of your time than fight a Native English linguistics major on technicalities. I have a much stronger than average understanding of the structure of the English language. I better, I was training the last X-years.
9. My observation over the years have been more practical than my impending psychology degree. Don't tell me I don't understand people, if anything I have the ability to over-analyze them where they feel like jelly. I care more about others' well-beings often more than times I consider mine.
10. If you say something, back it up with coherency and not just because. Telling the next generation that "It is what it is. Deal with it" is its own epidemic. It's a shock why overcritical people now have to support our fat asses. We aren't learning what is needed to survive.
11. The internet is a powerful tool. While we can have a cloaking device (our computers) to hide behind, it is also easier to demean and spread the flaming. It is also easier to bully and harass people. Own up to your exchanges.
I'm thankful for some confidantes who allowed me to talk this out. It's not something I had experience in dealing with. I thought I handled it as maturely as I could while this person was verbally assaulting me. I replied as rational as I could using more I-statements than You-statements (which ironically was used against me for putting my personal life out there).
If you do the crime, be prepared to do the time. I was, but people relying on logical fallacies often aren't. Then they just bullshit their way by trying to use ad hoc arguments. It doesn't work, buddy.
I've also learned much more about the trite phrase "misery loves company" in this exchange. I'm postulating this is because the miserable SOBs want company that doesn't reciprocate back.. for good reason. So how they do it? They play the sympathy "Woe, pity me" card and bullying and lowering the self-esteem of their victims to match theirs. They get off by other people more miserable than them. | | |
| An ongoing worry of mine is locating jobs post-graduation. So far I have no academic related job experience, but I understand and problem-solve to everyday customer service issues.
If you were to hire solely on GPA, I would instantly fall or be neglected over people with impressive resume and academic background.
I had a natural ability to run (3miles competitions enabled that) , training with peseverance and resilience. Maybe my background is disadvantaged, but one thing I did pick up well was streetsmarts. I've learned from an early age how to be independent and the game of survival.
Sometimes I wonder if the first five years were a waste, but I'm quickly reminded that the experience of stumbling into different career paths probably is invaluable. The GPA and college experience reflect the harshness and critique that maybe I'm not good at anything, but quite equipped with general knowledge. The many paradigm shifts reflect a flexibility that isn't observed in my more able peers. Knowing that it'll be truly an obstacle, I'm much more motivated to mean something or be something.
To the everyday observer, I feel like a fraud sometimes. How can they be asking me for assistance if they're clearly higher achieving? There is something interesting: very few have actually noticed that I failed more than I succeeded. To them, I'm just being hard on myself. Their confidence in me haven't wavered, this I'm thankful for.
It may be true that the self is the harshest critic. Out of this, maybe that's why I survive. I don't give up.
When you're at the bottom, there's very little at stake. I think that's why I've been more risky now than in the past. I used to be highly predictable and risk aversive.
And maybe that's the attitude/ spunk I want to espouse to my future employers.
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| It's funny... even as a psych major, there's a stigma of utilizing psych services. Maybe this stems back to dreading Arroyo's counseling services. Our school was small, so there was one counselor for your time in high school. Only our class (2006) went through counselors. Our first one downsized and went to a middle school. She wasn't there for us, but she was flexible. Our second one dismissed our sophomore class like children. She didn't encourage us, instead told us what we couldn't do (which was majority of the time). Our final one was a newbie counselor but she was younger, emphatic and was more flexible). Regardless, after those such experiences.. I thought psych services were reserved for crazy people or for those who had problems.
One of the services we have on campus is psych. Our tuition fees allow us access to this free service that otherwise goes for good money each hour. While the psychologists here can be utilized for general or broad topics, they can provide to day to day services.
After being prompted for a couple years now to schedule an appointment.. I finally decided to because I do sincerely want to get better. While I do confide in those who listen about me.. I chose to let it out with a complete stranger. It's a good feeling that someone knows a complete picture.
I rarely lie, though I don't tell the truth. Maybe that's one thing that hinders me from being myself.
I'm really grateful to have taken PSYCH 134. It provided a type of didactic behavioral therapy I was seeking. Because I fall somewhere in between anorexia and EDNOS, I never did seek treatment (even though UCSD is known for a program here). When I confide in others that I think I have disordered eating, it gets minimized. I don't look like those rail thin girls who are clinically on the verge of death. A few times, I was told I have the 'med student paradox'.
If I look at myself, parts of it is shame of poverty and taking rejection too close to heart.
In almost 10 years of this self-infliction, there's a lot of repair. I'm much hoping I can get better. I wish to enjoy life... than desperately try to get through each day. I used to get comments about how tired I look, regardless of how much sleep I receive. It used to bug me, but there are people who press on that because they remember a me that was active, easygoing and reliable.
I forgot that I was that person. Instead, I'm always in a rush and running into people. I'm also more flaky because I run on my own time. It's taken me this long to notice my downfall.. not even my slipping grades were enough to emit a warning signal.
I was torn earlier. It hit me much harder that people worry when I don't call when I'm running a bit late. When I'm at work, I don't speak up about asking for a break. Because I'm finally giving my body some attention, not eating earlier today.. I didn't realize I was doing questionable things. I was running low on energy earlier and ended up sneaking some cookies to binge on. Someone caught me and called me out on it.
Initially, I was like pfft. After processing it... this is out of character for me. I don't steal (normally). Hearing "You only had to ask", only then I realized, "wow.... wth is wrong with me?" That, also paired with guilt, is distressing.
I know parts of recovery includes a few relapses and lapse of judgment.
I'm optimistic, this will pass. | | |
| I have this unique attraction to CS majors. It's still unexplainable over the years. So...
Over this weekend, I had the pleasure to attend Google I/O, one of the largest Annual Google conference. This year's primary focused on Android and Chrome.
As a linguistics and psychology major, you may be wondering what I was doing there. Yes, I registered unknowing what to expect. I was totally blown away by some rather ambitious upcoming technology. It was also to dip into some programming languages... I never knew so many existed. Props to those CS majors, haha.
I took away some background knowledge of Python, C, Java & Javascript, Eclipse and even some Go. Also worth mention are GWT, SDK, Ruby, Perl, etc. I'm rather ambitious to try my hands at some of these once I master the C basics. I talked to some developers and so far, they tell me it's not easy... but it'll be worth it when it comes together. I was expecting some of them dismissing me as being a newb. They were, however, very welcoming.
I also noticed males definitely outnumber this field in over 4:1 ratio.
As a linguistics major, I do enjoy the puzzle of figuring out language. Many 'artificial' languages are created based on logic and I feel like, yeah, that has slowly matured. I still see weak points that I need to personally work on.
As a psych major, I am curious about the accessibility, usability and organization that goes behind each product or service that was showcased over the two days. I spoke briefly with a good number of Sandbox representatives and I've seen anywhere to auditing (tax purposes) software, TV apps, couponing sites, efficiency technology and watches with bluetooth technology. I also did get to check out the latest tablets, phones and gadgets. The most memorable items included a giant labyrinth (that thing took up a good chunk of the corner), exercise bikes with an cord that you plug for phone into for customized activities, Google home products, a self-driving Prius (i'm not sure about this one since it was stationary).
It's quite interesting to see the devices aimed at different consumer crowds: education, business, handicapable and the everyday tech savy folk.
I came with a curious mind, and unfortunately sometimes when you're surrounded with stuff.. one's materalistic nature surfaces. I spent a good chunk of it wanting to hoard goodies for my friends and family whom I wanted to gifts. If you're wondering, my timing was off totally on many of the giveaways. I left a few minutes early and missed out an xPeria (the Playstation phone) because I was having trouble making it to the subsequent sessions. Of course, there's the initial disappointments.. but you know, that's not really why attendees are there. The goodies shouldn't replace intrinsic interest.
Most of the developers I spoke to are curious about the freebies, but for most of them... it doesn't replace the products they already use. It puts me to shame how some of the attendees there care more about scalping the admission tickets or the random trinkets they were able to make away with.
I took away some insights from two of the developers I met through flying. I met one who was on the same plane as I going there. We made our way into the city and incidentally had lunch together the following day. The other one I met was an easy going gentleman who shared business related stories coupled with ones about his family and travel.
I remember during my junior year of high school, my old teacher Mr. Jorgensen nominated me and another classmate for a 'Women in Science' conference. One of my first experience was this sales pitch with Google. Funny how those things work.
Maybe next year, when I'm more experienced and less quiet... after attending two sessions that covered topics of the social skills for developers. haha. I also hope to be more traveled by then, so there'll be lots more to say and more people to feel.
This week was a fairly good week. There's still the Sungod Festival left. I can't wait to get sleep afterwards :)
And yes, I'll test out my new tablet then ^^; It's so tempting because I know what goes into making those apps we sometimes take for granted. Finer appreciation. :)
-- Angry Birds is now on Chrome, grab it! It plays off-line also.
-- Chromebook's coming out, I'm still not convinced about the Cloud technology. Apple, Amazon and Google seems to really be pushing it. I don't know if I can utilize the empty slate when I'm in places like China. But for businesses and Education. I see it happening. I hated those buggy Dell laptops we had in high school. They were so costly to maintain because they kept breaking down. In a budget constrained district, you made just make do. Maybe now, they no longer have to. For business, if it's definitely practical to gather universal feedback from your colleagues.
-- Music and movies. I'm not sure about these, unlike Netflix (if you're willing to put down $2 a pop) you have more flexibility in renting streamed movies
-- Honeycomb, will test shortly :)
Maybe it's not a faraway dream to work at Google, I might relocate back home (or at one of their global offices) should I find a position that matches me.
With hopes, next year I'll be there again
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| Sometimes I don't have reason to blog. This is one of those times.. but it's good to check in with the self also.
2 weeks from now, I will be 23. Shocking, yeah. This is the age my mother immigrated to the Americas.
I'm truly blessed for this year. There were times I've considered giving up and maybe ending it all also. Hitting rock bottom helps. I didn't realize I was wasting away and isolating because I wasn't checking myself in the mirror. I lost awareness of what was going on. I lost a few friendships (for the better).
Then I stopped caring. You know what, that's where a little epiphany came in. I stopped caring how other people perceived me.
It's still a difficult perception because earlier years I strived for perfection.. I felt like I was so close to it, then a whole bunch of 'failures' came along.
Every year, stuff makes more sense. I was a runner (some guess from the larger strides I take in normal strolls) and for a while, there was no doubt I'd place at the State meet. What happened? Somewhere in between footware that were falling apart (I couldn't afford decent running shoes) hid injuries of someone slowly shutting down. It took me out the midst of my junior year. I believe I was maybe 80lbs then. I had the opposite problem of people on yo-yo diets, I have a greater challenge of gaining weight than losing weight.
I remember those painful experiences. I also binded my feet because I thought 6.5 was unattractive. My shoes also took a greater beating because they were one or two sizes smaller. I thought they made more streamlined, like guys shaving their hairier legs for swimming. I used to run outside of the regular 3-7miles from daily training.
Today while never officially diagnosed, I know I still suffer from this kind of black and white thinking. I still shoulder the weight of uncontrollable things. This made it easier to isolate and it didn't bother me after a while that I was losing friendships. I was still gaining in other areas (like acquaintances). I think hitting rock bottom here helped... I notice whom over time became more plastic or which became more selfish.
I also feel very indebted to those who kindly stayed in touch. I rarely tell a complete story and very few have the patience to dig deeper. I tell very few lies but I'm also not very truthful. Part of that is culture and another is this wall I've built to handle rejection.
While a lot of things are still spinning, I'm still struggling financially that I've considered withdrawing from my upcoming Shanghai trip. I feel that it's selfish to be jetting off when the homebase is hurting, but I've solicited opinions also that it's one of best decisions I've made to become who I want to be, what I wish out of a future career and fulfilling a personal dream of traveling.
I was listening to stories from earlier, it's sorta that aspiration to get out there that I wish I can rush my degree now that others' around me are graduating. I wish I can take advantage of the reasonably priced trips of social couponing sites. My dream is the ability to travel for pleasure and business. With no specialization, it's relying on having an open mind with good sociable skills. That's probably what I should have gone to school for... though I do take away what I've learned in the social sciences of psychology and linguistics.
I no longer consider myself a flaw or a defect. The quiet person allows me to listen to most perspectives without passing judgment. I speak on multiple registers, defaulting to a female inaudible voice to one that's slightly deeper with more intonation. I may not possess the less colorful grades expected for grad school. I got hardwork, experience (and hopefully personality) on my side.. Hopefully that'll curry interest in the future. I'm optimistic.
In the meantime, I'm looking into various opportunities. I'm in the midst of applying for jobs, looking into more options, getting more life experience. As I try to open myself further, I hope to get more involved with school and the international community.
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